Thursday, July 09, 2015

Static Heart

     It's July 9, 2015 and here I am sitting on my couch while looking at my bedroom window. It is raining heavily outside. The rain won't stop pouring in. It's kind of encouraging me to go outside and let myself be soaked with freezing water. But then, there's no need for me to go outside. Just by being inside this room, I can already feel the cold that this rain offers. And what's even worst is that there's coldness deep within me. 

     Yes, there's coldness in me. I can't feel any emotions at all. It's worth expressing that I should envy the sky for it has the courage to cry and express whatever feeling it has. Unlike me, I can't... I really can't! I feel so helpless in this dire state. It feels like I'm just a man... never a human. 

     Here I am again scribbling my thoughts while gazing at the harsh weather. Overthinking things over and over again. I feel so empty... so empty that it feels like I'm the perfect dummy designed for display and amusement. There's no affection, passion, and soul.

     What am I here for? I don't get it. Why have I been like this since the last time that I experienced pain? Speaking of pain... it was a horrible one, which made me pour out a lot of tears. So drastic that it left me no emotions at all. It feels like I am a product of two opposing but complementing forces - the venom and its antidote. It was like in order for me not to experience pain anymore, I need to feel pain first. Well, extreme pain that is. But it appears like pain is not the only thing that's missing right now. My entire emotions are. They are all gone.

     Back then, I thought that I'm weak because of crying my heart out. But now, I feel weaker because of not being able to produce even a single tear from my eyes. I'm like a spirit caged inside a dummy with a lifetime sentence of not having my emotions. I feel so helpless. No, I am helpless! It is a cliche that I've been using the word "feel" even though I'm not completely sure if I'm feeling any. I guess, I just have to wait and hope for this current state to change just like the changing of our season; or I'll just wait for death to pass by just like how strong metals corrode and turn into useless rusts.

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