Monday, May 21, 2012

Realizations I Earned

     We had our company outing at Villa Excellance Resort in Tanza, Cavite last Saturday. That outing gave me the chance to [again] experience the feeling of spending a time at the beach and to enjoy privileges that our beautiful nature has to offer. At first, I saw our outing as an opportunity to bond with my workmates. But amidst that expectation, realizations on things await me. Realizations that made me more defined and more determined in pursuing things.

     When night came, I decided to be alone for a moment and think of things I used to do when I was still a child. Way back in Iloilo, when I was still in my early childhood, going to beach resorts and creating our wonderful memories there was just one of those ordinary things we do together as a family. Going to the beach is considered to be more usual thing that families do in Iloilo than in Manila because Iloilo is filled with beautiful beach resorts that are near the city and are very much accessible to anyone.

    As I continue reminiscing, memories from my childhood expanded. Every outing my family organized was a venue for me to enjoy my childhood the most. I see myself as a completely innocent child, who only thinks of fun. No worries in mind, no frustrations to think of, and no ambition to pursue. I was so innocent that time that I never mind what journey I shall take when I grow up. All I knew was I can draw and it can be a career for me.

     Then I started thinking about my last day in Iloilo. It was that moment when I need to leave Iloilo in response to the call of college. It was a call for my chosen profession – Architecture. It was going to be my first ever flight… alone. During that day, when I was still in our house getting ready to leave Iloilo, I felt like it’s now time to be alone. This is the real thing now. This is the start of my journey towards a path with an end, which is still unknown. It was such a blur understanding of what I might see and what I might become. Songs being played over the radio became sadder than I used to hear it, that a single melody brought tears out from my eyes. I was so emotional that it kept me crying as if I was brought back to being a child. It really felt like I’m dropping everything I own including my place in my family.

     Then, I started thinking of the life I acquired here in Manila, which made me grow as a person. But amidst my experiences and adventures here in this big city, I still am missing something – tons of memories being stitched in my hometown and in our own home without me. Because of college and of work, I never get the chance to see how my nephews and niece grow old and I never saw how they started their own adventures. I also missed the chance how my brother and sisters take charge of situations when my parents let them do so. I also missed the opportunity to see how my parents succeed in every trial that comes to our family. All I saw were outcomes of those missed opportunities every time they happen to visit Manila. All I saw were realities of life. My parents are getting older, my nephews and niece are already grownups, my brother and sisters’ physical features changed. All these missed opportunities made my tears flow from my eyes and I’m trying my best not to explode in sadness as people at the resort might see me crying.

     But with those realizations, I was able to regain my strengths. It was because of those realizations that I was able to give reasons why I have to make sacrifices like leaving my family and study in a completely strange environment. It was because of my family that I tend to drop things I used to own. It was always them why I’m striving my very best to finish the profession I chose, to pass the board exam, to have a job, and to venture on other professional path. It was always them, who made me want to achieve all these things. They are the very first reason why I have this extraordinary strength to continually do all my endeavours in life. They are my eternal fuel, whom God gave to me. I may have missed a lot of wonderful moments with them, but I have gained a lot of reasons that made me become worthy of their love.

     Right now, my future is [again] vague as my journey for graduate school and some career-shifting ventures are nearing. It feels like having my previous me coming back to life. It feels like me during my early childhood, whose innocence is at its peak; it feels like me when I’m ready to leave my hometown and my family for the sake of searching for higher education and for achieving for my dreams with unknown future still ahead of me; and it feels like me re-experiencing all those missed opportunities with my family. But amidst all these feelings of my previous me, all I can think of is the product of those me.  I have survived all those trials presented in front of me and have conquered all those obstacles in order for me to achieve what I am right now. 

     And after that reminiscing moment, I became more determined and more ready in starting the path that I’m willing to take for the sake of my family. And I know that when failing comes, I am built to stand up and finish my fight because my family is there with me. They are inside my heart. And no matter how far they may be, every success I made makes me feel that they’re with me, fighting with me, and struggling with me until the very end.

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